What a website roast actually looks like.

The burn: Hero headline: "Insights at the speed of thought." Sub-headline: "The modern data platform for the modern team." Two equally-styled CTAs: "Get started" and "Talk to sales".

Why it costs money: After reading the entire hero, a visitor still doesn't know what the product DOES. "Insights" + "modern" + "platform" is the corporate equivalent of fog. Two co-equal CTAs split intent — the user has to make a decision before they even understand the product.

The fix: H1 → "Turn your Postgres data into dashboards in 10 minutes — without a data team." One primary CTA: "Start free." Demote "Talk to sales" to a small text link in the nav.

The burn: Below the hero: a 4×3 grid of feature cards. Every card title is a feature ("Kanban boards", "Real-time sync", "Custom fields", "Integrations"). Every icon is a generic gradient.

Why it costs money: Features are answers to questions the visitor hasn't asked yet. Nobody buys a tool because it has "custom fields" — they buy it because their team is missing deadlines. Feature walls also signal "we're a commodity" because every competitor has the same grid.

The fix: Replace the grid with 3 outcome blocks: "Stop missing deadlines." "Stop the Slack-driven chaos." "Stop paying for 4 tools that don't talk." Under each, ONE screenshot and ONE sentence about how the product solves it.

The burn: Pricing page has 4 tiers. The first 3 show prices. The 4th says "Contact sales". The free trial requires a credit card and "a quick call with our team" to activate.

Why it costs money: The first three tiers do everything right. The fourth tier and the gated trial undo all of it. A buyer who has to "book a call" to try the product assumes the worst — slow sales process, mandatory annual contract, surprise pricing.

The fix: Either publish a starting number for the enterprise tier ("from $2k/mo") or kill the tier entirely and handle enterprise as a sales conversation that starts AFTER the user signs up free. Drop the credit card on the trial; capture it at the upgrade moment.

The burn: Hero is a 4MB autoplaying mp4 of the product in use. Largest Contentful Paint on a Moto G4 over 3G: 6.8 seconds. The signup CTA is below the video.

Why it costs money: The video is gorgeous but most mobile visitors leave before it loads. Below-the-fold CTAs on mobile lose an estimated 30-50% of clicks vs. above-the-fold.

The fix: Replace the autoplay video with a still hero image (compressed, <100KB) and a play button overlay. Pull the signup form into the hero on mobile. Lazy-load the video for users who actually click play.

The burn: Testimonial section has 3 quotes. Each quote is attributed to "Director of Marketing, Fortune 500 company" with a silhouette avatar. The logo strip says "Trusted by industry leaders" with no logos visible.

Why it costs money: Anonymous testimonials read as fake even when they're real. Faceless silhouettes broadcast "we couldn't get permission to use a real photo", which broadcasts "we don't actually have these customers".

The fix: Pick THREE real customers, get a real name, a real photo, a real company, and a real one-line outcome ("We cut churn 18% in the first quarter."). One real, specific testimonial beats ten anonymous ones every single time.